For me, one of the best parts about going to the NIX tattoo convention in Toronto has always been Lyle Tuttle. The first time I met Lyle I was performing. Walking off the stage Lyle came by to tell me that he had spoken with the sound guy and gotten him to adjust the levels, because I swallow the microphone as bad as his buddy Don. Over the next few seconds I realized he was talking about the late, great sideshow legend Captain Don Leslie, and as a young sideshow freak I just sat back and soaked in as much as I could from this man. It was a meeting I’ll always remember.
Besides being a tattoo legend, Lyle is a guy who can tell a joke. Two years ago, Sweet Pepper and I had the pleasure of standing with Lyle in the lobby of the Holiday Inn for an hour or so, drinking shitty beer and tossing around shittier jokes. Lyle told me this one, a well worn friar’s roast joke but it’s a classic, just like Lyle.
I used it the next day. Some people really don’t understand jokes….
So Sister Mary Theresa shows up at the pearly gates and Saint Peter meets her out front with open arms.
“Sister Mary!” he exclaims.
“Come in with the grace of God!”
Peter takes her by the hand, and leads the shy nun into paradise.
“Sister you have lived an exemplary life! As a devout nun your years of service to the church have not gone unrecognized. The big man himself has told me that you will be allowed a special gift. You are to receive one wish, any wish, and regardless of that wish you may spend an eternity here in heaven.”
“Any wish?” asks Sister Mary
“Any wish” says Peter
“Well” Sister Mary shyly says “I have lived a devout life…”
“Yes you have” says Peter
“… and I joined the sisterhood at a very young age” Mary adds
“Yes, that is true” says Peter
“…and I have never known the touch of a man” whispers Mary.
“Ah” Peter says “Of course. Well that is no problem. You may have any man you want, for you have lived a life that pleases God. Who shall it be? Brad Pitt? Tom Cruise? Bruno Gerussi?”
“Lyle Tuttle”
Sister Mary states emphatically